Movie Gripes: "Killers" Bored Me To Death!

Killers has got to be one of the worst movies I’ve seen in a long time. It was not a movie that I had any real desire to see but since it was freely available at the library, I figured it wouldn’t hurt to check it out. Wrong! I wish I could get back the hour and forty minutes that I spent watching this atrocity but alas, try as I might, I can’t seem to eradicate it from my memory. Not yet. Hopefully the next ten movies I watch will go a long way towards accomplishing that.

Killers star Katherine Heigl and Ashton Kutcher as a successful couple who met while on vacation and fast-tracked to marriage. They lead a seemingly pleasant life until his past as a “licensed killer” catches up to him and he becomes Target No.1. The movie is categorized as an action flick and while there was plenty of shooting, blowing things up, and hand-to-hand combat to round things out, it was a major snooze fest. Not interesting at all! First, the chemistry between the leads was nonexistent but I think this has more to do with the actors themselves. Both lack any kind of charisma and while she’s prone to histrionics that can be gratingly annoying after a time, he’s just…bland and without affect. I don’t how he ever got into acting but this farce of billing him as such has gone on long enough. If ever someone truly deserves a Razzie, it’s him. And her.

Of course, the dialogue and plot didn’t exactly deliver anything praise-worthy either. Picture this, a couple lives in a close-knit community, blissfully unaware that friends, co-workers and neighbors alike are plants just waiting to be activated and get the kill order. This is a stretch even for real-life t*******ts and we all know how effective certain organizations have been at using sleepers to infiltrate entire countries. But I digress. The dialogue is flat and cheesy at best and I was hard-pressed to crack even one smile. Trust me, I laugh over the stupidest stuff but this was even more than I could handle. I knew the movie was going nowhere when a half hour in, we were still exploring the couple’s coupledom and listening to their trite conversations. Seriously! I should have stopped it at this point but I chose instead to let it play on while I found other distractions. Killers pretty much lost me at the beginning because when it finally delivered several action sequences in close succession, I was not moved. Nothing about this movie excited me.

I’ve heard people say that best part was the end when describing a really bad movie, play, or whatever. That expression fits Killers perfectly. When the credits rolled and I heard the lyrics “I’m fed up…” I knew that at least one other person realized that this movie was no prize. Before it wrapped, Killers managed to drop one last stink bomb because the resolution has got to be the most convoluted part of the movie. Unfortunately, good or bad, I still hate to give away the ending of anything so I’ll say very little else about it. I will add that Mr. Magnum P.I., Tom Selleck, disappointed me because up until that point, I thought that he was the movie’s only saving grace and the only one in Killers who really saw it for what it is: a load of crap!